Good Fences Make Good Neighbors
As a therapist, I see the cost of poor boundaries every single day. Burnout. Resentment. Anxiety that feels inexplicable until we trace it back to one core issue: too much emotional responsibility for other people, and too little care for ourselves. I read Nedra Glover Tawwab’s Set Boundaries, Find Peace as part of a book club for therapists. Though it was incredibly too long, she has some good wisdom in the pages. If you want the gist, you can read the first chapter and skip around to the chapters that interest you.
Tawwab’s greatest strength is how clearly she reframes boundaries as acts of clarity rather than control. Many clients come into therapy believing boundaries are inherently selfish or cruel—especially those raised in families where love was conditional or enmeshment was normalized. Tawwab directly counters this belief:
Boundaries are not about changing other people. They are about changing what you will tolerate.
From a clinical perspective, this is crucial. The book consistently reinforces controlling what you can control, which is foundational for emotional regulation and long-term change.
Tawwab also addresses the guilt, grief, and fear that often follow boundary-setting, particularly when it disrupts long-standing dynamics. From my lens, this validation is essential. Without it, readers may abandon boundaries prematurely, mistaking discomfort for failure.
The book normalizes reactions like:
Feeling like the “bad one”
Fear of abandonment
Anger from others who benefited from your lack of limits
This validation prepares readers for the emotional reality of change rather than selling a fantasy of immediate relief.
In practice, I’ve seen boundaries give clients permission. Permission to disappoint others. Permission to rest. Permission to choose themselves without apology.
Boundaries don’t create distance from healthy relationships—they reveal them. Tawwab’s book makes that truth accessible, actionable, and, ultimately, healing.
