Helping Couples Remember They’re on the Same Team
My friend, Kimberly Lux, brought Terry Real’s books to my attention. She is a smart cookie, so I checked him out right away. His method of therapy is very interesting and some of his techniques have already been useful in my couple’s therapy sessions. I read How Can I Get Through to You?: Closing the Intimacy Gap Between Men and Women and The New Rules of Marriage: What You Need to Know to Make Love Work.
Real's approach is direct and innovative. He unearths the root causes of communication blocks between men and women, recognizing that the demand for intimacy in modern relationships requires new skills. By drawing on his pioneering work on male depression, Real provides both men and women with the tools they need to reconnect and rebuild their relationships.
One of the most powerful aspects of Real's work is his focus on empowering women while simultaneously helping men connect emotionally. Relationships have evolved dramatically over the past few decades. Women, in particular, have become more empowered, independent, and self-confident, while many men struggle to adapt to these changes, sometimes remaining emotionally distant or unsure of how to respond to their partners’ needs. Real’s work addresses this cultural shift head-on, offering practical tools for couples to bridge the gap and create the kind of partnership today’s couples desire: one built on honesty, passion, and mutual respect.
Real offers practical skills that couples can apply immediately to improve their relationships. These include:
Learning to speak "relationally" from a place of warmth and openness
Developing an "internal boundary" to manage emotional reactions
Shifting from a "you and me" mindset to a "we" perspective in the relationship
How to identify and articulate your wants and needs
Techniques for listening well and responding generously
Setting healthy boundaries and standing up for yourself
Embracing and appreciating what you have
Of course, I have some significant concerns about the populations for whom I care. Though I can see how I might generalize his practices in ENM, LGBTQ+ and non-western clients, he does not reference these populations at all in his work. It is good to know that bias when starting to engage with his books.
I found Real’s books to be helpful starting-off points especially for straight clients. He blends practical advice and psychological insight with compassionate confrontation. Whether you’re struggling with persistent conflict or simply want to bring more joy and connection into your relationship, this book offers a roadmap for transformation—one grounded in the belief that, with the right tools and mindset, every couple can create the relationship they truly desire.
