The Art of Conflict
Every relationship is a series of negotiations, not the cold, corporate kind, but the deeply human ones that shape intimacy, trust, and cooperation. Chris Voss’s Never Split the Difference: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended on It, written from the perspective of an FBI hostage negotiator, might seem far removed from relationship therapy. Yet the emotional intelligence behind his methods is surprisingly applicable to love and partnership.
Voss emphasizes that negotiation is fundamentally about connection. He encourages “tactical empathy,” the skill of deeply understanding another person’s perspective and emotions without judgment. In therapy, this is the same foundation I build with couples—helping each partner feel heard, validated, and seen even when they disagree.
One of Voss’s most powerful tools is labeling emotions. When a negotiator says, “It seems like you’re frustrated,” they aren’t agreeing or conceding—they’re naming the emotion to diffuse tension and build trust. I’ve recently trained in Gottman methodology and they have evidence that this tool is effective in relationship therapy.
The book’s title captures a key insight: compromise isn’t always the healthiest resolution. Many couples equate fairness with splitting things down the middle, but that can leave both people half-satisfied and resentful. True resolution often requires uncovering each partner’s underlying needs. What are the values and perspectives of each partner?
At its core, Never Split the Difference reminds us that negotiation isn’t manipulation, but communication at its most attentive form. After all, love depends on the same principles as successful negotiation: empathy, patience, and the courage to listen even when you want to win.
